My first week of high school, a strange new environment in which I was desperately trying to find my balance. One morning, an announcement came over the intercom to every classroom, informing us that there would be a *Pep Rally* in the gymnasium at 3rd period that day.

This would be a mandatory activity, during which all students would turn out and cheer in support of the school's football team, demonstrating the "pep" with which they supported the team's efforts. Or something to that effect. I'd never before heard of such a thing, had no idea what was in store.

Uh, and furthermore, I MISHEARD it as a "Pet Rally". I formed an entirely incorrect notion of what to expect...

The rest of the day, I was rather miffed that I had been given no prior notice of this, as I could've surely brought along our cat, all the better to blend in with my new classmates. I felt I was now at a real disadvantage, socially. Like I *NEEDED* anything else to help estrange me from this bunch of kids whose approval --or at least benevolent disinterest-- I hoped to attain.

This seemed to me like a great idea for fostering community, and a cool way to learn more about my fellow students-- getting to know what animals they chose to bring into their homes to love and care for. Pretty cool thing to do, eh? I idly wondered where the pets were being kept until 3rd period. Probably in carriers in the cafeteria or somewhere. Maybe in the auditorium or the band room?

So... comes 3rd period, and we're all streaming into the gym, where the school band is playing at full strength. People are filing into their seats up in the bleachers flanking the center court of the gym, while the band is at one end, blatting and clanging and honking away. All I can think of is, "Good lord! That's going to freak out the pets something awful! All that screeching and tooting, and all the drum beats and cymbal crashes! Some of them are surely going to shit on the floor! What a formula for chaos!"

I couldn't see any dogs or cats or birds or anything, anywhere. I figured they must be sequestered somewhere until the music was over, after which-- while it's quiet-- they'd be presented, their owners parading them before us, saying their names, telling us about where and when they got them, and maybe even showing us the tricks they could do.

Just then, a bunch of football players in their jerseys and helmets and pads come dashing out and run around waving and pumping their fists in the air while a bunch of cheerleaders go absolutely nuts, thrashing about, damn near turning themselves inside out and shrieking with glee.

"This is going to scare the living *hell* out of the pets! Somebody's gonna get bitten, at the very least! They must be fucking terrified!" I thought, looking frantically around for whatever doorway the poor, traumatized animals would be entering through... and seeing no likely spots.

This weird, frenzied activity went on for several minutes, with all the students clapping and yelling. Nobody appeared to be inclined to settle down and admire the pets, none of which seemed to be in evidence anywhere, just yet.

I leaned over and asked the kid next to me, "When do the dogs and cats come out, buddy? Does that happen after the football guys finish their jumping around, or what?" He gave me a rather puzzled grin, shook his head, and went back to clapping and whistling. "Well, up yours, pal", I thought.

I have to admit that due to my shocking ignorance and total lack of comprehension, it took me quite a while to understand that this display of mindless enthusiasm for a bunch of lumpy, thick-necked boys in plastic armor and brightly colored clothing was THE ONLY REASON for this perplexing gathering.

I was completely chagrined as it dawned on me what was actually happening here. "This is IT? Crap! What the hell does this have to do with *pets*? And what a stupid goddam waste of time!"

It was only after it was over that I noticed signs in the hallways announcing "PEP RALLY TODAY! 3RD PERIOD!" I felt like a moron.

BUT...I'd still much rather have seen the dogs, cats, turtles, hamsters, fish and lizards belonging to my classmates. Way more interesting than a bunch of testosterone drenched teenage boys grunting and lurching and glowering and posturing.

I hated every subsequent pep rally for the next 4 years, and never went to a single, damned football game.