AS3 Lore and Traditions
Various things you may encounter and wonder about as you read the forum entries. Lest you become intimidated or hopelessly lost, we offer a bit of insight, below.
RANTS: New ex-smokers are prone to a lot of anxiety, tension and grief brought on by quitting. A long-standing tradition here is The Rant. This takes many forms, but usually features an explosive venting of emotions accompanied by often profane expressions of impatience or frustration with how the world in general is treating you. Rants are encouraged and often are graded by your peers, with high marks given for length, originality and how many times you can work the word "fuck" into the narrative. Examples of rants may be found here.
METERS: These are little programs written for the computer that allow you to track how long you've been clean, how many cigarettes you have not smoked, the amount of money you've saved, etc., etc. They are highly configurable and easy to use. Several different meters may be found here.
CONGAS: On Fridays, we tend to have a "conga line" show-and-tell session that lasts most of the day, wherein people flash their meters, displaying for one another, and taking pride in, the amount of time they've been quit. It's a celebration, a parade, a dance, a show of solidarity. Join in!
OF, HOF, DOF, etc...: These are designations of time clean. One is said to become an OF or "Old Fogey" when reaching one year quit. HOF is for Half Old Fogey-- 6 months quit, and so on. A complete list may be found here.
THE BDU: From time to time, you're simply going to have to kill people. It's just that simple. Now and again, it can get really tough. When a long walk or a vicious rant just don't do the trick, there's always homicide. The BDU is on call for you-- and for a nominal fee, they've been known to shampoo carpeting to help remove inconvenient evidence.
THE HOT TUBS: A cyber community shares a fantasy or a group imagination allowing the members to participate in a collectively created alternate reality. Around here, one of the areas where we tend to congregate is at our imaginary Hot Tubs. This is where members, upon attaining OF status, come to bathe and bask in the warmth and comfort of the soothing waters with their peers.
RAOUL: Raoul was the result of a chance remark by Miss Marilyn, when she fantasized about being oiled up poolside by an attentive, swarthy young fellow. He became a fantasy character here, a dedicated, broken English speaking young man of indeterminate foreign origin. He made himself handy in all sorts of ways, and has gone on to become the Hot Tub Attendant and Official Towel Boy for AS3. He'll welcome you to the tubs and pour your champagne. Ask him for a fluffy towel. No running! Raoul is not to be confused with Lance, an annoying panhandler who drops by unannounced to bum change and yell at people. It is recommended that you always carry a few quarters in case you run into Lance.
THE FLATULENCE PHASE: Simply put, you're going to fart. A lot. Relentlessly. It can be amusing or deadly-- or sometimes both. Read all about it, here or below.
THE LIBIDO PHASE: Simply put, you're most likely going to experience a lot of fabulous changes in circulation, lung function, oxygenation of the blood, stamina, and nervous energy. Some people take up jogging. Others... don't; they become incredibly horny and find other ways to work off the tension. Pray that the Flatulence and Libido Phases do not coincide. Read more below.
CHICKENS: One of the quitting methods suggested for use by old-timers is stapling a chicken to your forehead. This is suggested because it's no better or worse than hypnosis, Cold Turkey, the patch, Nicotine gum, prayer, Wellbutrin, acupuncture, Chantix-- whatever other choice you might make. It's what works for you; that's the important part. Your choice of quitting method is the right one. Your ability to stick with it and get clean is the challenge.
A BUNCH OF GNOMES AND A HOG: If you answer the door one day and encounter a noisy pig and a bunch of singing midgets, don't freak out. They're the invention of Flatiron Mike, senior member of this community, tireless champion of quitters, former Quit List keeper and all-around cheerleader for the common cause. He sends out this imaginary cadre of little boosters-- Horace The Huffing Hog and The Yodeling Gnomes (great name for a band...) to cheer on quitters who are celebrating a milestone. They're very well mannered, and surprisingly on key.
SOME FUN EXTRAS--
OUR COOKBOOK: Leslie (Bessie Bee) has taken over the maintenance and upkeep of the official AS3 cookbook-- an assortment of recipes from members and lurkers at AS3. There are some wonderful recipes here! http://as3cookbook.clintoniowa.us/ Feel free to share some of your own favorites with us-- or find a new one among our collection!
DAILY TRIVIA CONTEST: Anne DDD sponsors a devilishly challenging trivia contest. It can be accessed here: http://www.funtrivia.com/private/main.cfm?tid=39300 (Beware the soccer questions!)